he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
