i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
just tell him i said nine months
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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