Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
