i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
