I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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