for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Boobs speak an international language.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
