I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
