Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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