Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
