My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Come on in and take your pants off
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