Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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