I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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