Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
