I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Randomize
