I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
