so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
