I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
