Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
