I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
