May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
