You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
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