I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
