At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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