My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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