the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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