i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
