got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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