You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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