Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
