I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
