Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
