cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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