a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Actions speak louder than pants.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
