Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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