Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
