I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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