It's a beautiful day for a hangover
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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