I'm so fucking centered right now
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
