just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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