White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
