I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
