One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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