Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
