Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
