Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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