You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
