Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
