grandma shit on top of the toilet
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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