Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
