I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
